“You're not a moron. You're only a case of arrested
development.”
― Ernest Hemingway, The Sun Also Rises (Harvey Stone to
Robert Cohn)
12h 05m 32s divides the sun from the moon in
Venezuela and that is also the same amount of time I had imagined had passed when the National Guardsmen were analyzing our documents and telling Morris the
violations he “committed”.
A rather uneventful week and led us to an uneventful
Friday. School had wrapped up for the
week, practices concluded, and weights moved.
The plan now was to head to Dave and Christi’s for some food and (Texas)
Hold’em.
Everyone had already made their way across town
in the humid Valencia night and Morris and I were tailing with instructions to
pick up some ice. We hopped in his van
and made our way out our parking garage with the electric gate closing behind
us, securing the building from the unforeseen evil in the night.
Local music danced across the dash as we talked
about the workout and the possibility of heading to the beach on Saturday. The
conversation swayed to some issues we had both experienced that week. Our frustration littered the van like a stiff
dew. He could understand where I was
coming from, six or so weeks in and still adjusting to the innumerable cultural
differences that lie between the US and our current residence. I could understand where he was coming from,
the universe giving you a full plate of things that just don’t work out
right. We drove on.
We slithered our way up, down, and around the
dark, speed bump laden Venezuelan roads like a game of “Rattler Race” (come on
you remember). Finally, the fuzzy neon
glow of the DVD shops and roadside eateries opened up the night. We passed through the intersection, proceeded
down Calle del Hambre and noticed six National Guardsman
conducting a checkpoint. As accustomed,
we rolled our windows down and the guardsman controlling the flow of traffic
peered in.
I knew what head guard was thinking.
Gringo. Grateful dead shirt. Half-gringo
driving a minivan. Nike shirt. Both
speaking English.
“Jackpot.”
He spoke with a guile demeanor and waved us
over to the right.
I looked at Morris and told him with a calm frankness, that did not reflect my current increase in heart rate, how I felt
about this current situation.
“We’re f$*!-ed.”
Morris pulled the car in at about a
thirty-degree angle. The guardsman
quickly approached the driver side and told Morris to pull up directly behind
the parked car in front of us.
Let the games being.
Let the games...pay up sucka! |
Johnny Guardsman looked at me and spoke at
roughly 13.7 words per second (in Spanish).
Morris spoke to him with a guarded tone and told him that I speak no
Spanish.
“Passport.”
I recognized that word, and promptly removed my photocopied passport
paper. The smoothness of my fake leather
wallet made it extremely hard for me to remove the paper for some reason. When I finally managed to remove the Excalibur
of identification, the yellow hue of the street lights illuminated the
paper.
My copy was worn, and frayed. The once clean edges were curled and the
folds had settled into distinct lines crisscrossing the face of my February
self. The man in the picture looked much
different to me now. The long, sandy
locks had turned into a darker crop of messy hair. My eyes much more naïve and my cheeks
carrying some of the fifteen or more pounds I’ve lost since the photo had been
taken when the unforgiving frost had staked claim to the Iowa fields.
“Passport,” the voice was edging closer to firm
at this point.
It’s odd where your mind will take you when
situations of stress or trouble arise.
My passport photo had taken me far away.
His voice crashed me back to earth.
“What else is he saying?” I asked Morris with a
slightly concerned emphasis on the word “is”.
“Hey man, get out of the car. They want to talk to us out of the car.”
The guardsmen split us up. I talked to a slender, wavy haired guardsman who
was leaning up against a post propping up a ceiling. He spoke to me matter-of-factly and I
explained to him in Midwestern Spanglish that I don’t speak much Spanish. He
laughed and took my paper.
Meanwhile, Johnny Guardsman opened each door of the van
and promptly searched the car for who knows what.
Wavy Gravy guardsman cast a few glances up and down before
settling in on the picture. His spitfire
Spanish was targeted at me and he gestured to my hair. I forged a smile worthy of being a
walk-through extra on the worst public TV series.
“Si, I cut it.” I followed up the line with a
pair of index and middle finger scissors just above my year (this has become a
common occurrence when I show my passport).
What I really wanted to do was drop the index
finger and turn the middle one up. But
they had the guns and the numbers, so my Jim Morrison stance would have to wait
until later.
Meanwhile, the burlier Johnny Guardsman was
giving Morris the business. He tried to
explain to Morris he was speeding.
False. You can’t speed in
Venezuela, traffic moves too slowly or it has to stop to let the
“budge-my-way-in-front-of-you-because-I’m-important-and-I’m-the-only-person-on-Earth”
drivers cross.
This guy was giving Morris the run around. After he left the speeding allegation, he
quickly went to the real reason he pulled us over. He accused Morris of not having a seat belt
on. Morris asked me if he had his belt
on. I said I for sure had mine on and
I’m sure he did. Morris explained he
removed his belt to get his papers.
Johnny Guardsman argued.
The discussion continued. I figured that if this guy was going to accuse Morris of 189 violations than I'd snap his picture.
Johnny Guardsman. He wears his sunglasses at night. |
Accusation three was that I didn’t have my
passport. Morris told him repeatedly,
“Yes, he does. He’s holding it.”
Johnny didn’t buy it and reiterated the charge.
“No he has it.
It’s in his hand, he just showed your friend.”
Again, Johnny disputed the claim.
“Look,” Morris explained. “It’s. In. His. Hand.”
“Oh,” Johnny relented with a smile and using condescending Spanish. “Well you don’t
have your papers. That’s going to cost
you.”
“I do have my papers, let me show you.” Morris walked around the car and presented
Johnny with the proper documents. “See,
I have them all. I showed you them
earlier.”
At this point things started to more quickly
approach where it this whole thing was headed a half hour ago.
Morris opened his wallet to show the guardsman
his ID again and the guard caught a sight of Morris’ cash.
Without even waiting for the prompt, Morris explained why he had that much money (3000Bs, aka $68 by black market conversion).
Without even waiting for the prompt, Morris explained why he had that much money (3000Bs, aka $68 by black market conversion).
“I’m going to the beach tomorrow with friends
so I need the extra money. I don’t usually carry this much.
Johnny’s eyes widened and he explained, “It’s
going to cost you 3000Bs to pay for your infractions.”
Morris’ reply didn’t wait for Johnny’s final
syllable to venture into his ear.
“I’m not going to give you 3000Bs. I’ll give you 1200, but I need the rest for
the beach.”
Bingo. Please turn off you electronic devices
and stow your tray table. We are coming
in for landing.
Johnny morphed into a nice guy. Practicing his Spanish with Morris.
“Blanco, negro, professor. White, black, teacher.” Johnny looked to
Morris for approval.
Morris had given up. We knew we lost and now this clown was going
to rub it in our face. The banter continued
and we both smiled and laughed. His boys
got a great kick out of this, while they joked and motioned back and forth. Each comment, gesture, and passing car was a
twisting of the knife in our back. The
glances from passers-by was salt in the wound.
This continued for several minutes, until Johnny walked Morris back
around to the driver side and into the rode.
Johnny extended his hand, Morris with his. A 1200Bs (roughly $30 on the black market) handshake, the kind
you think only happens in college football.
Johnny slapped Morris on the back and kept talking to us as we got
back into the van. Johnny continued talking
as we donned our questioned seat belts and Morris started the car. We wore the fake smiles for at least a block
and then the profanities rained from the heavens like rains on Noah.
Burgers fix everything. No it's not served on a coffee filter. |
We decided to stop a few blocks up and get a
burger and fries to help numb the sting of the entire operation. We laid out the facts. The guy was a moron, he knew exactly what he
was doing when he pulled us over. We
were profiled, he sifted a list of things he could “get” us for, and ended up
smothering us until Morris had to pay.
This guy was a National Guardsman. He had Kevlar and a gun. He wore credentials. And he took Morris’
money.
Did he know any better? Was his moral
development halted at some point? Is he a result of his environment or a
stimulating factor of it? Is he an
outlier of the system? Without using a religious or political lens to analyze
this through (I remain, as previously stated, neutral in my blogging of this
experience), he seems to have been able to make a bad decision and take advantage of a presented
situation.
A friend at the poker table implied, “Maybe he
needed to feed his family or had a dire issue arise?” Maybe. And maybe he was just looking for a quick buck. I haven’t been here long enough to make a
claim. But I’m old enough to know when
I’ve been had.
I heard a story that you haven’t truly a
foreign hire teacher or experienced Venezuela until you’ve paid a bribe. Well I didn’t directly pay, but I feel more
“cultured” now. Several friends told me
that last year they got stopped three times and had to pay to get off. They also said I should carry about 1000Bs to
pay a bribe.
Iowa this is not.
The Guy/Girl Who Sends You Websites or Forwards Links of the Week:
Here are a few headlines we've seen so far this week down here in the VE.
1) Want to leave Venezuela? Good luck. Boat or bike, I'll make it back.
2) These are I.O.U's they are just as good as money:
3) "Officer it's not my bag." The Carmelo Anthony excuse won't get these guys off the hook. The Venezuelan National Guard and Smuggling $200 million of Cocaine to France.
Well that's enough for now. This story would take away from another if I added something else. I hope this gives you a little more insight to the experience.
Happy Hump Day tomorrow!
Until next time,
KRS