17 Things You Never Knew About Valencia, Venezuela (and maybe didn't care to)

The Venezuelan educational machine continues to churn down here, but the action outside of the school day has seemed to slow a bit.  To remedy the situation Jon had a gathering of x and y chromosome based humans at his place for camaraderie, revelry, and music.

Nothing of real importance occurred outside some tall tales being told and some guitar being picked.  It was an eclectic mix of guys that hadn't ever hung out together, but it worked.  Jon's apartment was filled with a variety of metal/hard rock, bellowing laughter, and increasingly loud voices.  It's been really busy professionally here (end of quarter, trainings, Vanas, grades, start of a new quarter) and it was a good night to get away from it for a spell. 

Due to a dip in readership and a lack of profound documentable (yeah I made up that word) madness, I have decided to just provide you (my loyal and engaged reader) a list of observations of daily living here. 

Below you'll find seventeen observations broken into categories and dusted with wittiness. 

Sorry about the total lack of pictures. The pictures I tried to take to showcase these things did not turn out and taking pictures of random people without them knowing is surprisingly challenging.  Don't worry next week will be picture loaded.

So you want to speak Valencia, Venezuelan...

Here are some daily words you need to have done to be a hip cat in Republica Bolvariana de Venezuela.

1) aaaaeee - (pronounced AAAA) takes place of the English "umm."  Once you notice it, you can't stop hearing it. 
Ex. "We are going to the beach you should bring, aaaaeee...chips. What time should we leave." "Aaaaeee...6:30"

2) mierda - look.  Students here say it all. The. Time.  "Mierda, mierda, mierda, mierda..." They don't enjoy lines or waiting so they just say it repeatedly until you provide them with attention.   

3) dale - go ahead or ok, agreeing. Not Dale (heaven's driver #3).  People will end conversations with "dale pues" which means "go ahead", but here means ok.  Morris explained this to me and I am still confused about.

4) marico/marica - dude/girl.  Formally the word means "gay", but people/students here use it as a way to talk to others in without a negative connotation. 

5) huevon/ huevona - dumb/stupid.  Self explanatory and used frequently when driving (instead of harsher words). 

6) Use hand gestures, point your lips (pucker and direct the sight line), or raise your noise (like you want to make a pig sound) to emphasize your point, point, or to show confusion, respectfully. These actions are synonymous with speaking. 

 

So you want to dress like a Valencia, Venezuelan:

This is a gross exaggeration of what a stereotypical Venezuelan looks like in public through the eyes of a gringo. 

Man

Imagine instead of bands, sleeves.

1) Schmedium shirt.  This shirt has to be tight enough around the arms to cut off circulation Ultimate Warrior style.  Even if the person doesn't work out, they will find a shirt tight enough to fit snuggly around their arms to give the vibe off that they do work out.  They gotta let the ladies see the guns (even if you are rocking a Polar paunch [local beer belly]).

2) Labels.  Polo, Prada, Ray Ban, Nike, Ralph Lauren, Toms, AF, Hollister, if it has a symbol and reflects a particular ethos rock that thing.

3) Futbol shirt (soccer jersey).  Especially if the are Real Madrid, Barcelona, AC Milan, or the national team of Venezuela, Germany, Spain or Italy.  Be sure to buy them from the youth rack though. 

4) Fanny pack/murse.  Preferably of a trendy brand and with lots of color.  Be sure to wear it in one of the three following areas: standard (behind back, just above butt), front (resting just underneath the navel), or sling (over the head with pack just under the armpit).  Jeans don't provide enough pockets and the murse gives you another label with your outfit. 

5) Designer jeans.  Shirt length should not exceed the ability for one to see the label or stitching to typify the creator of your denim. 

6) Faded haircut.  Make sure it resembles a footballer and particularly that your product does not make the hair look hard, but rather establish flow.  Pomades and mousses are recommended.

Woman

1) Tights.  Remember the patterns your grandmother used to make into scarves and blouses...perfect! Other popular designs are an explosion of various neon's, superhero logos, indigenous tribal designs and material based on designs that you used to stare at when younger and see objects "inside" the picture (remember those books and posters?).  These tights vaguely remind me of the pajama pants you see people wearing in Walmart.

2) Heels.  Whether for work or the club these choices would make the 70's jealous.   Platforms, wedges (I had to look those names up), but no hooker boots or uggs like the states. Somewhere Gene Simmons is looking through his closet wondering where some of his old "God of Thunder" kicks went.  Well, I found them...all of them. 

3)  Matching colors.  Valencians remind me of American Hip-Hop types that have to match their random flat bill professional sports hat to a shirt to their shoes.  From their substantial make-up to clothes to belt to shoes and accessories, Valencia women have color coordination down to a science.  I'm not talking about simple colors or pastels, but rather a cornucopia of colors colliding sometimes in a confusing collision (hehehe, alliteration).  

4) Tight clothes.  Shirts, jeans, skirts, dresses, leopard print body suits.  Don't know if you can fit into that particular number?  Don't worry, it'll be fine!  The less drag you have on your clothes, the less wind resistance you'll have throughout the day.  Plus, the smallish, tight clothes allow areas typically covered by swimsuits (bionically enhanced or otherwise) to be accentuated or partially revealed (either by choice or not).  In some cases fibers are screaming.

5) Huge sunglasses. I had no idea the Kardashian affect would reach South America, but it did. Valencian women love the huge face covering, bug eyed, hide whatever behind sunglasses. Obviously, brand names are priority, but if the glasses can mask your baby blues (here baby browns) then you are hip to trip. 

No outfit (male or female) is complete without the urban pacifier, the cellphone.  Part homing beacon, part communication device, part social media narcissism promoter, the cell phone should not be out of a Valencian's hand for longer then a couple of minutes or an allergic reaction will follow.  This is true whether at work, the gym, eating or driving.

Thing That I Hate About The Gym This Week...

The fact that Morris and I had to wait 30 minutes to use the only squat rack (that itself is funny) makes me hate the steroid stable we call a gym.  But Kellen, be patient and understanding for they no not wait they do.  False, they do.  Supersetting (doing another exercise during your recovery) is fine, but texting, talking to another patron and taking a phone call is not.  Couple that with one Jason Statham wannabe was using all the 45's (8 total) and a handful of 35's to do leg press.  And by leg press I mean bend your knee roughly 20 degrees and have a trainer help you do your "lift".  There were three groups of people wanting to use the weights he was using, but he apparently is training for the Mr. Olympia and doesn't realize there are 321 people in the gym.

Hilarious Quote That I Forgot to Include Last Week:

"I got married so I wouldn't have to depend on myself" Jonathan Moreno Ramirez

If that doesn't make you laugh you ain't breathin'.  I'm sure it's true for many a man as well. 

Tonight a bunch of us are going to the Valencia vs. Caracas baseball game.  It's a huge game here in the Venezuelan major leagues (I don't know if that is what is it called), the first of the season.  I heard that beers get thrown around like peanut shells and the crowd is raucous.  Jackpot.  I'll take some pictures and discuss it next week.

Hope all of you back in the states are enjoying the fall weather and those of you in Iowa are enjoying the snow in October.  It's been hot here, and humid.  So it goes.

Parent teacher conferences await!

Until next time,
KRS